(posted 03/07/13)

In a recent interview, CARRIE FISHER was asked if she's going to reprise her role as Princess Leia in the upcoming "Star Wars" movies, and she said YES. Asked what she thinks Leia is like today, she said, quote, "Elderly.  She's in an intergalactic old folks' home."  Then she added, quote, "I just think she would be just like she was before, only slower and less inclined to be up for the big battle." As for whether she'd still be wearing the "bagel buns", Carrie said, quote, "The bagel buns and the bikini, because probably she has sundowners syndrome. "At sundown, she thinks that she's 20-something. And she puts it on and gets institutionalized."

(posted 02/19/13)

Mississippi has officially ratified the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, outlawing slavery.  This comes a scant 148 years after the amendment cleared Congress and was sent to state legislatures for approval. Mississippi's legislature voted to ratify the amendment in 1995, but it never became official because they never notified the United States Archivist. Back in 1995, the resolution passed unanimously, although some lawmakers abstained.

(posted 01/15/13)

OMG! Winter Garden, Florida’s 40-year-old Brendon Kelley Thomas isn’t LOL.  Most people know that texting while driving is dangerous and stupid. Most people also know that texting while riding a motorcyclist multiplies the dangerous and stupid factor several times. Most people apparently didn’t include Brendon, who was apparently doing the aforementioned when he veered into the path of an oncoming car.  Brendon will now RIP.

(posted 10/18/12)

Idiot!  When Vero Beach, Florida’s Brenda Crosdale discovered she’d locked her keys in her car, she knew she needed help right away.  Instead of a locksmith, Brenda called 911 and just to make sure police arrived promptly, she told them an infant was trapped in the vehicle. Sure enough, cops arrived promptly and opened Brenda’s car, but found no infant. When the officer asked a man on scene about the infant, he replied, “Brenda only said that to get you guys here quicker.”  Brenda cried like a baby as she was promptly taken to jail for 911 misuse.

(posted 10/10/12)

So, what’s the bottom line on the economy?  One may need look no further than your man’s bottom!  Men’s underwear has long been an eerily accurate indicator of the economy.  There’s been about a six percent uptick in sales of men's underwear over the past year.  Hanes has seen a steady increase in sales the past three years.

(posted 7/31/12)

Port Orange, Florida police officer Michael Garay responded to a domestic disturbance call at the home of Joe and Claudia Ambroziak.  Joe told Officer Garay that his wife of 33 years kicked him in the back while they were arguing and that he protected himself by placing his right hand around Claudia's neck.  Officer Garay then asked Claudia to show him how her husband tried to choke her.  Claudia then placed two fingers and her thumb around the front of the officer’s neck and applied pressure.  Officer Garay promptly arrested Claudia for battery on a law enforcement officer, even though he asked for the demonstration.

(posted 6/11/12)

Never bring a knife to a kick fight.  A masked man walked into an Orlando 7-11, pulled a knife and demanded cash from the clerk and a customer. While turning his attention to the clerk, the customer grabbed a wine bottle from a shelf and then kicked the knife out of the crook's hand. The customer then chased the crook out of the store empty-handed with the help of Ernest and Julio Gallo. 

(posted 6/5/12)

When Dutch artist Bart Jansen’s pet cat Orville was hit and killed by a car, he decided to honor it by turning it into a helicopter!  Dubbed the 'Orvillecopter,' it’s described as 'half-cat, half-machine' and has a plastic propellers attached to each of its paws. Jansen wrote on the video's description. "Now he is flying with the birds. The greatest goal a cat could ever reach!" 

(posted 5/15/12)

In Cali, Colombia, two men went into an internet café, rented two computers and surfed the Internet. After cruising the web, they went to the counter, but instead of paying they pulled guns and robbed the place. The robbery went off without a hitch except for one minor detail. One of the crooks neglected to log out of his Facebook page. The police got the guy’s address and drove to his place and arrested him.

(posted 4/24/12)

Naples, Florida’s Mark Abaire came up with an ingenious plan to get a free soda from McDonald’s.  The 52-year-old Mark asked for a glass of water and took his empty cup to the machine and instead filled it with soda before going outside to enjoy his ill-gotten beverage. Mark’s little ruse didn’t go unnoticed by the manager and, after a brief conversation, he declined to pay the $1 for his soda. The manager called police and, because of prior convictions, Mark is now facing felony charges, which carry up to a $5,000 fine and five years in jail.

(posted 4/17/12)

A 37-year-old man in Chicago died on Saturday . . . when he was drowned by a swan.  The guy worked for a company that used swans to keep geese away from condominiums, and took a kayak out to check on them.  But he came too close to a nest, and a swan came after him.  He fell out of his kayak, but the swan kept attacking him as he tried to get to shore, and eventually he drowned.

(posted 4/5/12)

We've seen PLENTY of reports on how innocent things you touch every day are filthy and germ-infested.  And here's another one.  According to a new study, the average computer mouse is THREE TIMES FILTHIER than a toilet seat.  The study also found that the average keyboard, office chair, desk, phone, and elevator button were all more germ-covered than a toilet too.

(posted 3/15/12)

What???   Scotland’s Alison Smith is described as ‘unlucky in love.’  It sounds as if Alison is actually pretty lucky in love as she’s about to get married for the fifth time at the ripe old age of 29.  Granted, Alison’s first marriage ended after just 10 days when her husband ran off with her mom and her second hubby was a last-minute stand-in when her fiancé stood her up at the altar and the third was an alleged bigamist. Alison’s first husband and her mom are still together and he’ll give the bride away.

(posted 02/22/12)

Hudson, Florida’s 55-year-old Michael Barker called 911 nine times, requesting assistance for various things, including a taxi ride.  Police traced the calls and found Barker on the phone with 911 again, saying he lost his football and was standing on his head on top of a telephone pole. Barker ended up getting his ride, although it was in a squad car and not a taxi.

(posted 02-07-12)

Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno was busted for DUI last week.  Not only was Moreno caught doing 70 in a 45 zone, it was a construction zone.  Police say Moreno smelled like booze and was cuffed when he performed poorly on a field sobriety test.  Not helping his defense lawyer, it turns out that the license plate on his Bentley convertible reads: "Sauced."  

(posted 02-02-12)

Is this your kind of luck?  Back in December, the tiny Spanish village of Sodeto chipped in and bought a Spanish national lottery ticket that turned out to be a $950 million winner. Today, each resident is enjoying a minimum payout of $130,000 - except for one guy who didn’t go in with everyone else.  He’d moved to the town for a woman, but they’ve since broken up and now he’s living in a barn.

(posted 01-12-12)

Some people find Judge Judy annoying.  Apparently one of those people is 62-year-old Janet Knowles, of Jupiter.  We assume that’s Jupiter, Florida and not the planet, but when she walked into the room where a 65-year-old gentleman friend was watching "Judge Judy," Janet became upset and hit him in the head with a hammer.  The man received a large cut to his head and left forearm and police arrived to find him holding bloody paper towels on his head.  Janet will be facing another judge as she was arrested on domestic violence charges.

(posted 12-15-11)

An unnamed Lubbock, Texas man, whom we’ll call Santa, arrived home with his family only to discover they’d been locked out.  In an attempt to avoid paying locksmith fees, Santa climbed to the roof of his house and lowered himself down the chimney as his wife and child waited outside.  Yes, his wife called 9-1-1 after he got stuck.  About an hour later, firefighters removed Santa, whose suit may not have been red, but his face likely was.

(posted 11-29-11)

Paramedics arrived at the Newport, Tennessee home of Scott K. Kelly after police received reports of a stabbing.  It seems that Kelly had stabbed himself with a turkey thermometer to see if he was "done or not."  Local news reported didn’t note whether Kelly had been drinking, but they likely didn’t have to.

(posted 10-25-11)

Kissimmee, Florida’s Stacey Armstrong shoplifted $160 worth of merchandise from a Publix supermarket.  You can’t say Stacey isn’t a loyal customer because she then went to another Publix store and attempted to shoplift another $100 in goods.  Alas, this time Stacey was nabbed by employees and later told police she could afford to pay for the items and would do so if they allowed her. When asked why she stole, Stacey told police, "I don't know, sir. It was stupid of me."   That’s especially true since she left her 11-year-old daughter in the car to watch her friend’s newborn while she went on her shoplifting spree.

(posted 10-13-11)

Collierville, Tennessee Republican Rep. Curry Todd was the sponsor of the law that made it legal to carry a gun into bars in Tennessee. Todd may now regret his little legislative exercise.  It seems Todd is in a bit of a legal scrape after being pulled over in Nashville late Tuesday and charged with possession of a handgun while under the influence and drunken driving. During debate over the bill in 2009, Todd assured fellow lawmakers that gun permit holders would be careful about not violating the ban on drinking in bars or restaurants while carrying a gun.

(posted 10-03-11)

An unnamed Pittsburgh woman is likely in big trouble with her boss after getting into a car accident. That’s because the car she did significant damage to was a state vehicle.  To add to our friend’s troubles, police say she was driving drunk at the time.  Bringing the hot water the woman is in up to a boil, we find out she is, or perhaps was, an employee of the State Police Liquor Control Enforcement board.

(posted 9-13-11)

An unnamed Tacoma, Washington man has been arrested on murder charges.  It seems our friend’s cunning plot unraveled when he asked his neighbors if he could dump a body in their trash can.  They denied him permission, but he dumped it anyway and was busted after the trash can owners called police.

(posted 8-23-11)

Last Saturday was declared Lemonade Freedom Day to call attention to recent shutdowns of kids’ lemonade stands by local authorities around the country.  To raise awareness, one such stand was set up on the West Lawn of the Capitol Building in Washington.  The group running it managed to raise the awareness of Capitol police, who shut the stand down and arrested the three people running it.

(posted 8-19-11)

Virgin Atlantic will start giving passengers so-called ‘weepy warnings’ before they show their in-flight movies.  The warnings give passengers a heads up if the movie is a tearjerker.  This comes after the airline found that found 41 percent of men admitted they hid under blankets to cover their tears during in-flight movies.

(posted 8-17-11)

An 11-year-old boy in Germany recently called 911.  It seems his emergency was that he was conscripted into "forced labor" by his mother.  After the boy complained about having to help around the house and not having any free time, the officer asked to speak with his mom, who said that her son had threatened to call the police, but she never imagined he'd actually follow through with it.

(posted 8-8-11)

For most of us, going into the kitchen and nuking something involves putting frozen food in the microwave.  However, for Sweden’s Richard Handl, nuking something in the kitchen involved an attempt to build a nuclear reactor.  Richard had the radioactive elements radium, americium and uranium in his apartment and was able to create a small meltdown on his stove.  At some point Richard began to wonder if his activities were legal, so he contacted Sweden's Radiation Authority.  They responded by sending the police to arrest him.  Richard could face fines or prison time, but says he just wanted to "see if it's possible to split atoms at home."

(posted 7-26-11)

On Saturday, in Libode, eastern South Africa, a 50-year-old man had a major asthma attack and his family believed he was dead.  Instead of calling the hospital, they called an undertaker, and the body was transported to the morgue. About 21 hours later, on Sunday afternoon, the man WOKE UP.  And found himself in the morgue refrigerator.  He started yelling and screaming, which freaked out the workers there . . . and they ran away. According to the health department, the man was eventually checked out by doctors and is actually alright.  They encouraged families to actually, ya know, make sure someone's dead before they send a body to the morgue. 

(posted 7-21-11)

While the immature, bickering teenagers in Washington, otherwise known as congressmen, try to get the nation’s finances in order, they might want to have a closer look at military spending.  This comes as the government is sending two Navy oil tankers to the scrap heap.  The tankers were ordered during the Reagan administration, were never finished or put into service and cost $300 million.

(posted 7-1-11)

Arlington Heights, Illinois’ Robert Adams found a Chase Bank bag containing $17,000 at a Walgreens in the town of Midlothian. Instead of turning the cash in there, Adams drove to Rolling Meadows to turn the bag in, telling police he found the cash outside a newspaper stand in Rolling Meadows.  Adams later said he just felt more comfortable turning the cash in to the Rolling Meadows police.  He’s probably having second thoughts about that now as security cameras pointed out the actual pick-up point and his semi-honesty earned Adams a $500 fine from the Rolling Meadows police for filing a false report.

(posted 6-29-11)

In case you were wondering . . . yep, men are still filthy.  A new survey found that one in eight men wear their underwear AT LEAST TWICE before they wash it . . . and that's just the guys who ADMIT to that.  About half of men use the "sniff test" to decide whether to wear something again before washing it.  And about a quarter only wash their sheets once a month.

(posted 6-22-11)

When a boat broke down 25 miles east of Delray Beach, Florida, Boynton Beach tow boat captain Timothy R. Pooler was sent to assist them.  Pooler arrived and hooked the boats together and proceeded back to shore.  At least that was the plan.  As it turns out, they drove around in circles for hours in the darkness until he ran out of gas.  By then, the engine of the disabled boat had cooled enough for it to regain power and the two men ended up towing Pooler's boat until they overheated again and cut Pooler loose.  Another boat was sent to rescue them all and the story ends with Pooler being charged with boating under the influence after admitting he’d been drinking and taking several prescription medications.

(posted 6-21-11)

Vero Beach, Florida’s Lionel Johnson placed repeated calls to the police in which he told them he was an operative for the CIA and that he wanted the cops to pay for his room at the Oceanaire Motel.  After about eight such phone calls, officers decided to pay a visit to Lionel.   Upon their arrival, Lionel told the officers they were "sexy" before explaining his behavior by unscrewing the cap of a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and taking a swig.  Police arrested Lionel on open container charges and picked up the tab for his room at the Gray Bar hotel.

(posted 6-16-11)

Always check your mirrors.  Elgin, Illinois’ 21-year-old Jose S. Barrera pulled into a local McDonald’s drive-through and placed his order.  While waiting for his food, Jose decided to enjoy a smoke.  Unfortunately, Jose was enjoying a marijuana cigarette.  Even worse for Jose, the police officer in line behind him recognized the familiar aroma and saw him blow smoke out the car widow.  The final blow for Jose came when he pulled away, committed a traffic violation and the cop found a Tupperware container full of pot in the car and made the McBust.

(posted 6-09-11)

In New York, police are looking for a ONE-ARMED MAN who robbed a credit union.  He walked in, demanded money, and the teller gave it to him . . . even though he was UNARMED.  (--HI-YO!)  The police are searching for him but, so far, they're stumped.  (--HI-YO AGAIN!)

(posted 6-06-11)

A Utah man has been cited for disorderly conduct after paying for a disputed medical bill with 2,500 pennies. The Deseret News of Salt Lake City reports Jason West went to Basin Clinic in Vernal on May 27 prepared to dispute an outstanding $25 bill. Assistant Vernal Police Chief Keith Campbell says that after asking staff members whether they accepted cash, West dumped 2,500 pennies on the counter and demanded that staff count them. Campbell says the incident upset staff because pennies were strewn about the counter and floor, and West's action served "no legitimate purpose." Police later issued the 38-year-old West a citation for disorderly conduct. That carries a fine of as much as $140. Or 14,000 pennies.

(posted 6-03-11)

In Merseyside, England, 30-year-old Karen Denney bought a $3,700 Rolex.  No, not for her husband, boyfriend or even herself.  Karen bought the Rolex mounted in a dog collar for her Border Terrier, Smike.   Designer Alison Jones calls it the ultimate accessory, while others might call it the ultimate stupidity.  In any case, Smike is now truly a watch dog!  (rimshot...Randy)

(posted 6-02-11)

The unusual anatomy of Florida International University student Gabriel Mendigutia's heart has saved his life.  When Gabriel dared his girlfriend to shoot him with a pellet rifle, she pointed the gun at him from a distance of 30 to 40 feet, closed her eyes, and fired.  Doctors say the bullets penetrated an area that would’ve almost certainly killed someone whose heart was configured normally.  Gabriel now sports a scar from the bottom of his neck to his lower pelvic area and says, "Honestly, I didn't think she would do it."  Doctors didn’t explain the possible anatomical abnormality in Gabriel’s brain that would cause him to make such a dare, but the story did say that Gabriel had drunk about 10 beers at the time.

(posted 5-31-11)

I can’t believe it’s not battery!  Collier County, Florida’s 49-year-old Dawn Elizabeth Rhash got into an argument with her roommate about what food was hers and what was his.  The argument escalated to the point where Dawn hurled a stick of butter at her roommate, who then called police.  Cops arrived to find the victim had butter on his ankle and, yes, they also found that Dawn had a "strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her person and facial area." (Aggravated Buttering?)

(posted 5-27-11)

When Tampa Bay Rays fan Melton Little went to a game against the Yankees earlier this month, he was told to either turn his shirt inside-out, buy another shirt or leave the park because of the profanity on it. The profanity in question was the words: ‘Yankees Suck.’  Little and his sons chose to leave and the team may want to suck up, seeing as how he’s spent $30,000 on seats this season.

(posted 5-24-11)

Immokalee’s 46-year-old Mary Ramos Martin got into an argument with her boyfriend because she felt he was spending too much time in a public restroom.  The argument escalated until Mary pulled a 10-inch knife and stabbed her man, leaving a 1-foot long gash in his chest and another 6-inch cut.  Mary was arrested and if you’re wondering why anyone would want to spend any length of time in a public restroom, it’s reported that there was a nude woman inside.

(posted 5-23-11)

Police arrested a Clearwater, Florida man on drug charges for the second time in less than four years, this time for cultivation of marijuana, operating a drug house and possession of paraphernalia. It may not be amusing to you or I, but fans of irony may want to spark one up when they hear his name is Glenn H. Stoner.

(posted 5-20-11)

A Tulsa mother identified only as Mary downloaded the free Tap Pet Hotel game for her 8-year-old daughter on her iPhone.  All were happy as Mary got some ‘me’ time while her daughter happily played.  However, the happy times ended when Mary got her phone bill and discovered that her daughter had ordered $500 worth of add-ons, such as Cupcake Maker and its various toppings.

(posted 5-19-11)

It’s said that turkeys are among the dumbest life forms on the planet.  Luckily for turkeys in Irwin, Pennsylvania, they only had to match wits with Richard Simms.  The 51-year-old Simms employed the unusual, but legal, method of hunting turkeys from a tree stand.  No word on whether any turkeys were harmed in the making of this story, but as he was climbing down from the stand, Simms’ gun went off, fatally shooting him in the chest.

(posted 5-18-11)

An unnamed Sydney, Australia man agreed to lend his $350,000 Lamborghini to a 22-year-old friend for a ‘bit of fun.’  For the non-gear head crowd, the car has a 360 cubic inch, 572-horsepower V12 engine that can go from 0-60 mph in 3.8 seconds and has a top speed of 205 mph.  As you might guess, it didn’t take long for the 22-year-old to lose control and crash head on into a taxi, causing extensive damage to both vehicles and likely the friendship.  To make matters worse, the Lamborghini owner’s insurance doesn’t cover any driver under 25.

Stink bombs work like Viagra?  A study in Singapore found that the chemical that makes stink bombs smell like rotten eggs . . . called hydrogen sulfide . . . can also trigger blood flow and help men get ENGORGED.  Now they're working on tests to figure out ways to get hydrogen sulfide to men WITHOUT having to set off stink bombs in the bedroom. 

I can't BELIEVE this actually worked.  In New Hampshire, police caught an assault suspect after his finger was SEVERED during a fight . . . he left it behind at the scene . . . and they were able to pull a fingerprint off it.  He was charged with three felony assault charges for starting the fight. If you're not even going to TRY, why bother becoming a bank robber at all?  On Friday, a man walked into a bank in Florida and demanded a bag of cash.  The teller told him she didn't have a bag.  So . . . the robber left.  The police tracked him down about seven minutes later riding his bike home and arrested him. 

I almost don't want to rip on this guy because I feel so bad for him.  Almost.  In Connecticut, a 65-year-old man kept calling 911 so the police went to his house.  When they got there, he explained why he'd called:  He wanted someone to go buy him beer . . . and to hang out with him because he was lonely.  He was arrested for abusing the 911 system.  

Denver’s 34-year-old Adam Lynch was desperate to win back the heart of former girlfriend Julia Lundstrom, so they agreed to meet at an Irish Pub to discuss their future.  In his desperation to win Julia back, Adam laid all of his cards on the table. That included showing her the FBI website on his mobile phone where his picture was displayed identifying him as a bank robber known as the Ho-Hum Bandit. The FBI gave him that handle because on surveillance footage Adam appeared bored and sometimes yawned during his robberies.  No word on whether Adam yawned during his arrest as Julia politely excused herself and went outside to call police.

Mark S. Gold went to the Gold Rush strip club in Miami and by all accounts had a pretty awesome night.  Gold racked up some $18,930 in charges, although much of that after he became "temporarily unconscious." Gold claims the club knowingly and continuously served him to the extent that he had a complete loss of judgment, rational thought, or ability to enter into lawful contracts or agreements. If that sounds like legal talk, you’re right.  Gold is a lawyer and he hired himself to sue the club.  Ironically, Gold specializes in drunken-driving offenses and he’s demanding a refund.

One unnamed Melbourne Beach, Florida man who was apparently upset with motorists speeding through his neighborhood decided to do something about it.  That ‘something’ was climbing on the roof of his house and waving around what turned out to be an air rifle while yelling and screaming at drivers.  One of the next vehicles to speed through his neighborhood was an ambulance that whisked him away to a hospital for a mental health screening.

This is udderly ridiculous.  An unidentified 18-year-old man, whom we’ll call Guernsey, went into the Garrisonville, Virginia Wal-Mart dressed in a cow suit and stole 26 gallons of milk.  Guernsey then crawled out of the store on all fours and gave the milk away before skipping down the sidewalk in the cow suit. Guernsey was later found in his street clothes with the cow costume in his car and he was given a summons to appear in court for his cow-ardly act.